Among the comments and well wishes from friends and family, I found that Tim Wise posted a new article. See other people work during the holidays too (vain attempt to assuage my guilt for putting my work over familial expectations--gender differences at play between me and Mr. Wise, no?). Tim Wise was announcing a recent article he posted called "On Santa and Other Harmless Fibs: Childhood, Aging, and the Maintenance of Hope." Exciting! I love Tim Wise and as a parent I am always looking for critical commentary on Santa and the whole Holiday debacle in general. Now I love Tim Wise. I really do. He is insightful and thoughtful in his writing. His work is usually right on time. When I read Tim Wise I usually find myself nodding my head and blurting a few "that's right!" and generally thanking the Great Spirit for such an amazing contemporary mind. Sadly this time, Tim Wise's rationale really didn't work for me.
Now you have to read his article before you continue so go read it.
In general Tim Wise makes the argument for Santa Claus because it is part of what keeps hope and imagination alive. I get that. I really do. But seriously I have a couple of problems with the whole idea of Santa and what he represents.
To be honest, I have a real problem letting Santa take all the credit for my hard work. Women are socialized to give and thereby nurture those around them. We are expected to do this 365 days of the year. Males, on the other hand, are socialized to receive. Now there are men who also give but they always...ALWAYS...expect recognition. Hmmmm kind of like Santa. The fact that I don't like letting this guy who sneaks into our home as we sleep take all the credit for my hard work is not my main point here. Maybe that's my axe to grind. I frankly think it reflects a real social problem.
But back to Santa and Tim Wise. I get that children need to believe in something. First, I'd rather my daughter not believe in something that completely erases me from the picture and in turn threatens to erase her in the future when she makes that transition from girl into woman. Second I'd rather her believe in the beauty and wonder that can be found in the process of giving and receiving-building community. Santa does not allow for either of these.
I considered telling my daughter early-on that Santa does not exist. Okay, okay, in a moment of weakness, I did tell her that Santa doesn't exist. I mean she's already aware of the inconsistencies in the myth and asking questions- a lot of questions. Clearly she sees the holiday advertisements all around her--The gendered toy commercials and relentless product placement in her favorite television shows, the class projects and holiday inspired assignments despite the separation of Church and State. A seemingly harmless trip to the store to pick up some toothpaste quickly reveals the inescapable commercial madness tied to this holiday-three Santa's outside of Walmart! Aye yi yi! The image of Old Saint Nick is so ubiquitous. It is inescapable. It doesn't matter what mommy says, clearly the world has spoken.
So I explained to her that mommy works very hard to make this time of year special and give her the gifts I know she wants. Regardless, she decided to believe that Santa DOES exist and told me as much. Well, I can't stop her from believing in Santa-or I won't anyway. The truth will reveal itself to her over time. And when it does, sadly, she is in for a rude awakening. Am I wrong for wanting to spare her that pain and prepare her with the tools to confront this sexist holiday?
I mean consider for a moment that Christmas for men and boys is much different that it is for women and girls. This holiday is so strongly connected to ideas of the family which itself come with a world of gendered expectations. Crushing expectations. I am not a stay-at-home mom. I work outside and inside the house, I read, I write, I like to take a shower daily and I hear sleeping and eating are essential to existence, never mind the shopping, cooking, washing, and general organizational tasks required to run a home AND work towards a successful and fulfilling career.
I worked really hard to make this Christmas special. I don't make a lot of money as a grad student but I managed to put out the Christmas tree and it's adornments including the class project ornaments that have found their way home with her for the past four years-I wonder what all the Jewish and Atheist kids did with those? Way to make the classroom a safe space for all. Among the various gifts, I bought her the Mancala game she asked for last February, a small Chinese hand-held fan (she loves those), some cool clothes like the kids on iCarly wear, an environmentally friendly thermos she asked for, and tons of little doo dads for the stocking with Santa on it. I don't even know where that thing came from-It just appeared one year. Part of the Santa conspiracy, I'm sure. We even baked mini whole wheat bagels for Santa in lieu of cookies
(I must be off my game because I didn't realize the cultural significance of leaving bagels for Santa until after my dear Jewish Chicana friend pointed it out to me.)
I shopped for gifts between work and school so as to maintain the element of surprise. Christmas Eve, I stayed up till 4 a.m. wrapping and getting things just right for my little one Christmas morning. I ended up baking chocolate-chip cookies at the last minute (per strong request) and set up a plate of two cookies and a glass of milk for Santa. After my daughter was asleep I staged a morning-after-Santa scene leaving only cookie crumbles and the emptied glass.
No sooner than my head hit the pillow, I heard little feet shuffling into my room. A beautiful, sweet, wonderful child hopped up on top of me and proceeded to loudly announce that the cookies are gone and there are gifts under the tree. Shadows on my bedroom wall created by the headlights of an early morning car driving passed the house then led her to proclaim that she had just seen Santa's sleigh. No sleep for mommy this Christmas. Seriously it's all a blur. I can't help but wonder how much more enjoyable this Christmas would have been had we been able to share the experience. Make gifts or cards together to exchange with loved ones. But nooooo Santa demands that I take part in the clandestine operation that is Christmas so that he can take all the credit for my hard work.
So Tim Wise suggests that we let our children believe in Santa and therefore foster the organic mechanism that allows us to believe in wonderful and fantastical things-To hope and wish for more. Yet, in this traditional scheme the work women do is erased-I am erased. Parents in general are erased, but me as a women and all the work I do is erased and simply handed over to the guy with the white beard who mockingly calls me a ho-ho-ho. I gotta tell you, as a racialized women, I am tired of being erased!
This year after my daughter decided that my radical politics and subsequent attempt to flip the script and erase Santa were not good enough, I started to think maybe we can come to some sort of compromise. In an effort to encourage, as Tim Wise suggests, the hopes and beliefs in the unknown and unexplainable AND maybe help children to understand and value the work of strong, active parenting, I told my seven-year-old daughter that Santa could not do what he does without the help of parents. And this has to go beyond using the "naughty or nice list" to get kids to clean their room and brush their teeth. This means letting children know that ultimately, as parents, we are actively and responsibly engaged in what happens to them. I know, I know. It seems so obvious right. Yet, every year we completely succumb to the power of Santa and erase the hard work of parents (mostly mothers) everywhere. And why can't we encourage more giving? Why are we socializing our children to expect to receive and not give at Christmas (and again this goes beyond using the naughty or nice list to get them to do chores they should already be doing)? I'm sorry Tim but I think I detect a trace of internalized male privilege in your argument for Santa. I really am sorry to say that because I have sooooo much respect for you and the work that you do.
I'd rather spend this time of year sharing and exchanging openly. It just seems more productive and social than this myth that we call Santa.
Santa you, your enchanted reindeer, exploited elf labor force, and mute footless, nameless wife will just have to get used to it. I am reclaiming this holiday and making it more equitable. As much as I want to eradicate the red-clad man and all the capitalist fury he represents, I cannot yet dismantle the house that is Santa. I don't want to crush my daughters imagination and all that is tied to believing in and maintaining hope , but you can't ask me to be crushed for this Santa Klaus I mean Claus. I have to try to make it better for her and all the other little girls who, during the holidays, will confront what it means to be female in a male world. This way when she makes that transition from childhood to adulthood, maybe, just maybe, she won't feel erased but empowered by her ability to affect change in the world as a strong powerful woman who would not let Santa erase the power of community that is reflected in giving and receiving.
Ultimately, Santa is socially constructed and we are being asked to engage in the lies that maintain this myth. In the process we are effacing our hard work as parents and socializing our children to expect to receive rather than build community through giving and receiving. So, I choose to replace the idea of Santa with more productive expectation of active community. Think about this. Child wonderment, as Tim Wise suggests, is natural. But, child wonderment is not about constructing and maintaining lies like Santa. What happens to the beauty and wonderment of the everyday when we allow one man to represent the hope and love that is exhibited in the process of giving and receiving in turn. What happens when we situate the belief of hope and wonderment in one man instead of in the relationships we build with each other as people?
